There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
