The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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