I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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