you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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