sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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