Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
