chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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