I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize