Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
