Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I think a kid would responsible me up
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
