i just wanna soil my oats bro
I can text with my tongue
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
