Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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