no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
