Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
