I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
