Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Sext me about skeletons
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize