Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
