u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
