i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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