Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
