We're like a lot better than the average bears
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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