I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Randomize
