I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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