I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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