I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
