I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
