One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Randomize
