you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Your dad touched me again.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We need a shit load of segways right now
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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