Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
What a dumb baby whore.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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