On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
