my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
