non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
