why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
