That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
