dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
