it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
