my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize