Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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