I met the friendliest cop last night
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
