It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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