when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
