saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
