yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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