I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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