I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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