I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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