Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
