My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Randomize
