No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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