Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
