i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
