you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
