He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
