Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
