Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
