My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize