Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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