Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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