I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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